The New Yorker – by ANDY BOROWITZ [Satire]
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Today, President Obama issued the following letter to all Verizon customers:
Dear Verizon Customers,
Yesterday it came to light that the National Security Agency has been collecting millions of phone records from you each and every day. Since that news was released, many of you have called the White House with questions and concerns about this new program. To save my time and yours, here are answers to three of the F.A.Q.s (Frequently Asked Questions) we’ve been hearing from you:
1. Will I be charged extra for this service?
I’m happy to say that the answer is no. While the harvesting and surveillance of your domestic phone calls were not a part of your original Verizon service contract, the National Security Agency is providing this service entirely free of charge.
2. If I add a phone to my account, will those calls also be monitored?
Once again, the answer is good news. If you want to add a child or any other family member to your Verizon account, their phone calls—whom they called, when, and the duration of the call—will all be monitored by the United States government, at no additional cost.
3. Can the National Security Agency help me understand my Verizon bill?
Unfortunately, no. The National Security Agency has tried, but failed, to understand Verizon’s bills. Please call Verizon customer service and follow the series of electronic prompts.
I hope I’ve helped clear up some of the confusion about this exciting new program. But if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to call the White House. Joe Biden is standing by.
God bless America,
President Obama
Why is it that, what this Author put down, sound exactly like an Obama admin. personel? And, Joe will be on stand by.
The Government has nullified all “hacking” laws. If you do not have 4th Amendment protection and “Expectation of privacy” on the internet, then ANYONE can search, download, inspect, ANYTHING. The internet must be considered “abandoned/discarded property” available to whoever wants it.
They have also nullified all “phone tapping” laws for the same reason.
Why so down about the NSA having all your data..
Actually this could be great news as many people have their harddrive or computer Crash and have forgotten to make a back up. SO WHAT??
Well under the Freedom of Information Act or maybe just a polite letter to NSA you could get them to retrive your missing data.
And sometime in the not distant future Yahaa Hotmail/Femail will no longer be necessary as NSA has even more Giga – Burst power for all browsing, etc. Imagine what the Home Page might look like. Submissions welcome and the best (10) get the new NSA PocketPack™ which incorporates all the feature you ever Daymared and Nightmared about..Instant headache on demand.
So cheer up there’s always and Up to Every Down
We are Legion
Now it becomes important for Congress Critters to ask hard questions of NSA and Here comes another Rice Sister to the rescue – just in time to Not Answer – “How long has the NSA been engaged in this Activity”.
In 1988 a close associate sister was married to a States Attorney in the Seattle area and the wife called the phone company to complain that the bill for the long distance and some other calls was not correct. After much dispute the phone company supervisor took over and “Quoted the Exact words spoken by the Husband during the disputed calls.
Folks, that 24 years ago (Just the same as the security question 9 + 15) do you have your answer without the Congress getting a Rice on the chair
Can we say – Instant Rice..
We are Legion..
You know, I just want to say that at work today, I had two customers from two different parts of the country complain on the phone saying that they were worried about giving their billing information over the phone now because of what they heard on the news about Verizon (their carrier) allowing the NSA to listen to all their calls under the authority of Obama. They both cursed the NSA, Verizon and Obama. I told them that I heard about it and agreed with them completely, so rest assure, people are PISSED about this. You may not hear it that much, but believe me, the corruption in this country is making people really pissed off at our fake government in office. I feel the boiling point rising even in my workplace, whether it be my co-workers or the customers. I can tell it’s only a matter of time before people’s boiling points explode out of control.
Even the Bloom’n Idiots are on board with this one.
Being a Verizon customer, this certainly answered all my questions.
Oddly enough though, can’t seem to get hold of Joe.