Over-exertion from overwork blamed trying to fill orders. North Pole denies rumor.
NORTH POLE—A story has leaked from the North Pole which spokeselves emphatically deny. Eighteen elves have died and another twenty-seven were said to be hospitalized from over-exertion attempting to fill orders this Christmas. Elves do not have a union. Santa had to quickly add eight new Rangifer tarandus—Commonly called Reindeer in America—and a trailer to his sled to carry the orders that could be fulfilled according to a whistleblower at the North Pole.
“Thank goodness that they were hospitalized before Obamacare took hold,” the whistleblower commented.
United State Air Force spokesmen are denying a possible confirming rumor that they scrambled a squadron of fighters from Andrews in response to an unidentified and unusually large radar contact which turned out to be the extra large sled.
The whistleblower was eventually exposed because he took the word “whistleblower” seriously. He has not been seen since he leaked the story. Foul play is not suspected.
The unidentified whistleblower revealed in his initial letter that there was a marked increase in requests for AR-15s, M-4 carbines, high-capacity magazines, ammunition and various other hand guns, rifles and ammunition since the November election.
“This story is absolutely absurd,” said Spokeself Dinkle. “We have filled all orders on our nice list as far as I know.”
Mr. Henry Tarpel of Winston-Salem, North Carolina disagrees. “I asked for an AR-15 and a thousand-rounds of ammo,” Mr. Tarpel complains. “I don’t think I was being greedy. I could have asked for three- or four-thousand rounds, after all!”
After checking his Ipad, spokeself Dinkle answered. “You see here? Mr. Tarpel did not flush on July 27th causing discomfort for his family. I think you’ll agree that puts him on the naughty list.”
The report of the whistleblower stated, “They are using any excuse to put people on the naughty list to get out of filling orders. Stuff they normally would ignore. Like one guy who did not clean up after his dog that pooped in the middle of the forest in Arizona. I mean, come on, don’t bears poop in the woods?”
The whistleblower complained that to fulfill the few orders that they had to fill for people who complied with the nice clause, Santa had to add child labor working in the twenty-four hour rotation. It did not matter what time they fell into the rotation.
Like China and other countries, the North Pole is not obligated to honor child labor laws and other stringent regulations and unions that have made overseas attractive to U.S. companies.
When asked what happened to the whistleblower, Dinkle would only say, “He’s been put on the naughty list.”
There is no official confirmation to any of this story.