[Note: Remain calm. What follows is (mostly) satire.]
The Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has announced new airport security measures for the upcoming holiday travel season. Spokesmen tell us these necessary precautions need not impede the ordinary citizen’s progress through the system, nor cause any undo inconvenience. It is recommended that airline customers keep telling themselves these things are for their own good, over and over, as often as needed to bring a sense of calm.(By the way, it is important to remain calm, as the TSA is now deploying covert scanners that can detect passengers in line who are unusually agitated.)
Beginning immediately, each traveler over the age of twelve years will need to present two (2) forms of picture ID. One of these forms cannot be a driver’s license, Passport, Social Security Card, Military ID, Gym Membership, or work-related ID. Other forms of picture ID will probably be acceptable. You can check to make sure your ID will work by mailing in your completed TSA form 5757/D not less than 90 days from your flight.
Travelers 12 and under will need three (3) such forms of ID, and will be implanted with a sub-dural RFID tracking chip at the baggage check-in counter.
In addition to the famous and wildly popular grope-down searches that are normally conducted on a random basis on registered Republicans and radio talk-show hosts, the TSA will be unveiling new anal cavity searches for the Thanksgiving rush. These are completely voluntary, though, as you cannot be forced to go through one: You can choose not to fly instead.
For security documentation purposes, all anal cavity searches performed on females between the ages of 14 and 55 will be digitally filmed, and each episode will be stored online in a completely secure database, accessible only to those who pay a hefty subscription fee, called nastyairportparty.com.
In addition, travelers will be required to submit names, phone numbers, and addresses of at least two character references who can verify that they are probably not Islamic extremists; and, that they don’t care too much about the Bill of Rights.
To verify that passengers claiming to be American actually are, they may be asked one or more security questions to test the genuineness of their patriotism. Some of these include:
Who won the 1968 World Series?
Which sport is it that has a World Series, again?
Tiger Woods plays which sport? Which has he scored more, eagles or easy, White babes?
Name five winners of American Idol? How many Mormons did you just name?
Name any new television comedy or drama which does not feature a morally virtuous, gay hero who is constantly shown to be superior in every way to the doltish idiot who holds traditional values. (Trick question.)
Of course, now that we’ve broadcast these particular questions, they will be thrown out. You will be asked new, tougher ones. So be sure to watch about 14 hours of television a day, staying far away from anything like a news network or documentary channel, just for the sake of doing your homework.